ben higgins

It’s Fantasy Suite week, and in true Bachelor form, Ben is forced to give a forced endorsement for Jamaica. Shout out to the Jamaica board of tourism. Let’s get right to it:

Caila

Ben takes Caila on a very awkward, quiet raft ride down the river. Oh geez, it’s so awkward. Kristy and I feel bad for the raft…. driver? Rafter? Raft Operator? We settle on Raftafarian and move on. There’s conveniently a guy stationed at the end of this raft ride who is there solely to prepare jerk chicken for them. I can’t imagine that this guy is always stationed here. There doesn’t appear to be much raft or foot traffic. Kristy: IT’S BELIEVABLE!

Caila tells Ben that she’s in love with him. There is an INSANE amount of gratuitous tongue action in a 20 second make out scene. Caila talks a weird amount about being able to tell that he’s in love with her too because of his breath. Pretty sure that’s not a good way to judge. Ben and Caila decide to take advantage of the fantasy suite. (Sidenote: Kristy and I read an article called “25 Things You Didn’t Know About The Bachelor” and apparently they don’t provide condoms in the fantasy suite, so Kristy at this point yells, “Hope you brought your own protection!”)

Lauren

Ben and Lauren are the cutest ever and I refuse to accept that there are any other women on this show anymore.

A large British man named Mel informs Lauren that they are going to release turtles. Lauren, in true woodland fashion, loses her damn bunny mind. OH DEAR LORD THE TURTLES ARE FUCKING ADORABLE. Ben and Lauren begin to pray for the turtles, wishing them the best of luck returning to the ocean.

Me: Are they praying into the turtle bucket?
Kristy: Yes. Is that a sentence you ever expected to say?

Ben says what everyone is thinking: Lauren is too good for him. Dude, I think IIII’M in love with Lauren. Lauren is too good for everyone.

So, confession….I missed most of Lauren’s little talk with Ben, because I kept looking into the kitchen and saw Kristy sneaking various foods out of the pantry, looking innocent and pretending that she wasn’t eating them.

Kristy: What peanut butter?
Kristy: What brown sugar?
Kristy: What marshmallows?!
Me: “DUDE WHAT AM I GOING TO TURN AROUND TO NEXT?”

Lauren and Ben go to the fantasy suite, and Lauren chooses the following words, “I just really need time to be us. To do us.” Thus, the fantasy suite, Lauren. She finally tells Ben that she’s in love with him, and Ben BREAKS EVERY RULE and tells her that HE LOVES HER TOO. Ben, dude. That’s not how it works. (This does not bode well for Caila, since he said nothing in response to her declaration of love). They make out on the couch for a while and exchange several “I love you’s.” It’s adorable, but Ben clearly cannot follow instructions. Ben brings Lauren breakfast in bed, and Lauren tells the camera that Ben is “my person” and it’s TOO MUCH CUTE JUST GET ENGAGED NOW.

JoJo

This is apparently the season of confusing shirts as JoJo walks up in another shirt I can’t explain. They wander around a waterfall and eventually jump in, and oh my gosh I’m always so bored when Ben and JoJo go on dates. JoJo tells Ben she loves him, and Ben SAYS IT BACK TO HER AND BEN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. JoJo responds appropriately by looking super duper shocked that he reciprocated the sentiment because EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

JoJo spends their evening date defending her brothers and Ben nods a lot. JoJo says, “It feels so nice to hear you talk.” Kristy and I share confused looks. JoJo and Ben go to the fantasy suite and eat mixed fruit. (We are hoping that if he dumps JoJo eventually, he play’s the other JoJo’s “Leave (Get Out)” as she walks out).

Ben takes a pensive shoeless walk around various watery places and talks about how he isn’t in love with Caila. Coincidentally, Caila is SUPER PUMPED to go surprise Ben and remind him that she’s in love with him. She tells the camera approximately 88 times that she loves him. This is not good for Caila, this is definitely not good. Caila breaks into Ben’s place and searches the place for him, smiling like a serial killer the whole time. Kristy and I are sure she’s there to murder him. Oh, sweet Caila…. she is clueless about what’s about to happen to her. Long story short… Ben breaks up with Caila. She doesn’t expect it. It’s sad. Caila’s a cute crier and it’s not fair.

To recap: Ben has now told the last two women that he’s totally in love with both of them. This can only bode well for all involved. Next week is “Women Tell All,” which is always cringeworthily entertaining.

This episode begins with Ben gazing longingly into the ocean, because it’s The Bachelor. We find out he’s on his first of four hometown dates, and he’s on his way to meet Amanda. Kristy and I missed almost the entire conversation with Amanda because we were debating how her shirt was staying on. There didn’t appear to be any straps, but there were sleeves that were not on her shoulders and started around the elbows, and perhaps a zipper involved somewhere? We never did figure it out, so if someone has a skematic or something…. holla at us.

Ben cries for the first of approximately 847 times this episode. This time it’s because Amanda is reunited with her kids. It’s pretty cute, I’ll admit. We are once again distracted though, because all of Ben’s clothes look like toddler sizes. Did the producers do his laundry for him and shrink all his clothes? His shorts are so, so short. Amanda, on the other hand, looks like she is wearing the last two items of clothing she has before she has to do laundry again. We really can’t figure out her outfit. Still.

Ben runs around with the kids, and he’s great with them. They chase birds like you do on all good dates. At one point, Ben has an adorable exchange with one of Amanda’s daughters:

“You go to my house?” – mini Amanda
“Yeah, is that alright?” – Ben
“… Yeah.” – mini Amanda

They then go visit Amanda’s parents and it’s exceedingly boring. They have the exact conversation you would expect the parents of a woman with young children to have with the man she and 24 other women have been dating for 6 weeks. Use your imagination, and let’s move on.

Ben’s second date is with Snow White’s woodland sidekick, Lauren. She’s cuter than ever as she takes Ben around Portland to see the sights and eat at food trucks. They make a romantic stop at the Multnomah Whiskey Library and Lauren tells the camera that she wants to tell Ben she’s in love with him, but wants her family’s approval first.

Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside. Ben cries.

Seriously, Lauren is DYING to tell someone she loves Ben. Please reference the following exchange:

“Do you feel like you and Ben are truly compatible?” – Lauren’s sister
“Are you asking if I’m in love with Ben?” – Lauren

Uh, no, bunny face. Not at all. Stephen chimes in at this point from the kitchen:

“What did you have for lunch today?”
“ARE YOU ASKING IF I’M IN LOVE WITH BEN?”

Blah blah dinner dinner talking talking. Lauren lets Ben leave without telling him she loves her.

Caila’s hometown is the most boring of them all. She takes Ben to her old high school and they sit on the “couples bench” and make out. They then go to a toy factory that her dad is the CEO of and they design and build a toy house that they are apparently going to live in after they get married. Seems impractical.

Ben has dinner with the family, and in a strange twist of events, doesn’t cry! Caila cries though, as she tells her parents that she thinks Ben is the one. That’s seriously the end of this date. She doesn’t tell Ben she loves him either. These girls are 0 for 3 in the communication department.

Ahhh yes. JoJo. This is what I was waiting for.

JoJo’s date starts off with her waiting for Ben, and getting a letter from an ex-boyfriend proclaiming his true love for her. She starts reading it, so ahppy, thinking it’s from Ben. But SPOILER ALERT IT’S CHAD. WHO’S CHAD? DAMN IT CHAD ITS TOO LATE.

Ben arrives to a teary-eyed JoJo, and Ben, VERY ASTUTELY, realizes something is amiss. Nothing gets past you, Ben! She explains her situation and he looks about as uncomfortable as humanly possible, but he manages to position his face into a semi-smile and comfort JoJo.

They head to JoJo’s family’s house, and apparently JoJo is a Kardashian. This house is ENORMOUS. Her brothers immediately seem like THE WORST. (Turns out, they are).

JoJo tells her mom that she’s afraid of getting hurt, and JoJo’s mom responds, “You’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful,” which seems like a non-sequitur, or JoJo’s mom is severely misinformed about the nature of The Bachelor.

Ben has a very awkward conversation with JoJo’s brothers, which then extends to a conversation with the entire family in the kitchen. They tell Ben that he is brainwashing all these women and taking advantage of his position of power. Seriously….. where the hell is JoJo? Literally everyone in Dallas is in this kitchen right now, but JoJo is nowhere to be found while this ambush is occurring. Ben tears up while he tells the camera he isn’t evil and JoJo says goodbye to Ben without telling him that she loves him. 0 for 4.

It’s now time for the rose ceremony and it seems pretty obvious how this will go. Baby bunny gets the first rose, and the next goes to Caila. It’s now between JoJo and Amanda, and JoJo ends up getting the final rose.

Ben walks Amanda out and they have a surprisingly mature conversation, and Amanda is very graceful. She breaks down in the limo, and Ben breaks down while attempting to do an on-camera interview about Amanda’s exit.

They promo the next few episodes of the show, and perhaps the best part of the entire episode is the bonus clip at the end. We get taken back to a cut clip of Ben talking to BunnyHead’s teenage brothers, and they question Ben about the fantasy suite. Ben squirms and doesn’t know how to answer, stammering and stuttering while the two boys are grinning and clearly enjoying this torture. “I would never… put your sister in a position…… that is degrading to her at all.” Cut to black.

So next week is tropical dates and fantasy suites – should be a good one.

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