It’s Fantasy Suite week, and in true Bachelor form, Ben is forced to give a forced endorsement for Jamaica. Shout out to the Jamaica board of tourism. Let’s get right to it:
Caila
Ben takes Caila on a very awkward, quiet raft ride down the river. Oh geez, it’s so awkward. Kristy and I feel bad for the raft…. driver? Rafter? Raft Operator? We settle on Raftafarian and move on. There’s conveniently a guy stationed at the end of this raft ride who is there solely to prepare jerk chicken for them. I can’t imagine that this guy is always stationed here. There doesn’t appear to be much raft or foot traffic. Kristy: IT’S BELIEVABLE!
Caila tells Ben that she’s in love with him. There is an INSANE amount of gratuitous tongue action in a 20 second make out scene. Caila talks a weird amount about being able to tell that he’s in love with her too because of his breath. Pretty sure that’s not a good way to judge. Ben and Caila decide to take advantage of the fantasy suite. (Sidenote: Kristy and I read an article called “25 Things You Didn’t Know About The Bachelor” and apparently they don’t provide condoms in the fantasy suite, so Kristy at this point yells, “Hope you brought your own protection!”)
Lauren
Ben and Lauren are the cutest ever and I refuse to accept that there are any other women on this show anymore.
A large British man named Mel informs Lauren that they are going to release turtles. Lauren, in true woodland fashion, loses her damn bunny mind. OH DEAR LORD THE TURTLES ARE FUCKING ADORABLE. Ben and Lauren begin to pray for the turtles, wishing them the best of luck returning to the ocean.
Me: Are they praying into the turtle bucket?
Kristy: Yes. Is that a sentence you ever expected to say?
Ben says what everyone is thinking: Lauren is too good for him. Dude, I think IIII’M in love with Lauren. Lauren is too good for everyone.
So, confession….I missed most of Lauren’s little talk with Ben, because I kept looking into the kitchen and saw Kristy sneaking various foods out of the pantry, looking innocent and pretending that she wasn’t eating them.
Kristy: What peanut butter?
Kristy: What brown sugar?
Kristy: What marshmallows?!
Me: “DUDE WHAT AM I GOING TO TURN AROUND TO NEXT?”
Lauren and Ben go to the fantasy suite, and Lauren chooses the following words, “I just really need time to be us. To do us.” Thus, the fantasy suite, Lauren. She finally tells Ben that she’s in love with him, and Ben BREAKS EVERY RULE and tells her that HE LOVES HER TOO. Ben, dude. That’s not how it works. (This does not bode well for Caila, since he said nothing in response to her declaration of love). They make out on the couch for a while and exchange several “I love you’s.” It’s adorable, but Ben clearly cannot follow instructions. Ben brings Lauren breakfast in bed, and Lauren tells the camera that Ben is “my person” and it’s TOO MUCH CUTE JUST GET ENGAGED NOW.
JoJo
This is apparently the season of confusing shirts as JoJo walks up in another shirt I can’t explain. They wander around a waterfall and eventually jump in, and oh my gosh I’m always so bored when Ben and JoJo go on dates. JoJo tells Ben she loves him, and Ben SAYS IT BACK TO HER AND BEN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. JoJo responds appropriately by looking super duper shocked that he reciprocated the sentiment because EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
JoJo spends their evening date defending her brothers and Ben nods a lot. JoJo says, “It feels so nice to hear you talk.” Kristy and I share confused looks. JoJo and Ben go to the fantasy suite and eat mixed fruit. (We are hoping that if he dumps JoJo eventually, he play’s the other JoJo’s “Leave (Get Out)” as she walks out).
Ben takes a pensive shoeless walk around various watery places and talks about how he isn’t in love with Caila. Coincidentally, Caila is SUPER PUMPED to go surprise Ben and remind him that she’s in love with him. She tells the camera approximately 88 times that she loves him. This is not good for Caila, this is definitely not good. Caila breaks into Ben’s place and searches the place for him, smiling like a serial killer the whole time. Kristy and I are sure she’s there to murder him. Oh, sweet Caila…. she is clueless about what’s about to happen to her. Long story short… Ben breaks up with Caila. She doesn’t expect it. It’s sad. Caila’s a cute crier and it’s not fair.
To recap: Ben has now told the last two women that he’s totally in love with both of them. This can only bode well for all involved. Next week is “Women Tell All,” which is always cringeworthily entertaining.