Me, you know, just trying to be healthy:
“This is different. I’m going to stick with it this time. It’s so easy. Just exercise a little more and eat a little better. This is not difficult,” I think to myself on the first day of my seemingly ten millionth attempt at being a healthy adult human.
Yeah, here I go, eatin’ fresh-cut fruit and cage-free eggs like a fuckin’ CHAMP. I am the queen of protein and healthy fats. Smoothies? Hell yes. There’s more spinach in my morning smoothies than bras on a One Direction stage. I’m on top of the world. Sure; I’m a little hungry, but hey, it will all be worth it this summer when I’m on the beach, frolicking like I’m in the middle of a goddamn Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition shoot. This steamed cauliflower with Himalayan pink sea salt will get me there; of this I am convinced.
Someone brought cake to work. Who the hell does something like that? Linda? Well, she’s surely a minion of the devil. I make a mental note to stop speaking to Linda for a while. Ugh, but that only leaves Janet and Steve to talk to. Whatever, I forgive Linda. For now.
Look at me in all these cute gym clothes. I’m so sporty. I’ll probably burn at least 5,000 calories while I’m here. Total Eclipse of the Heart is playing on my iPod, and I’m killin’ it on this treadmill. Four minutes into my run and, hey, if I put my mind to it, I could definitely run a marathon within a year. Definitely. Look at all these people jealous of how fast I can run. I may be the best runner to ever live. I must have ran at least 2 or 3 miles by now – OH WHAT THE HELL. 0.63 miles. Fuck it, that’s far enough. I’m so hungry.
Oh my God… fries. Fries are so good. I think about how happy Matt Damon was when he grew those little potatoes on Mars. That’s how happy I am when I see fries. I can have some fries – I’ve been so good today. GOOD LORD IT’S THE FOOD OF THE GODS. I’m eating all these fries; don’t look at me. Beer is good, too. Might as well. Why do I keep eating cookies? WHY CAN’T I STOP?! I know they are bad and I feel so guilty and I’m a terrible person, but… sooooo chocolately.
Back at the gym; have to work off my transgressions. Not getting on the treadmill; I won’t be burned again. How about 12 minutes at a slow to moderate pace on the stationary bike? Solid workout. Good job. Time to go home, I’m going to miss the start of The Bachelor, and that’s unacceptable.
Oh hey, Safeway. I see you have ice cream on sale. Yes. I will have all of that please. Wait. Hold up. Are you telling me there is also cookie dough involved in this transaction? Marry me. I’ll be better tomorrow.
Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this, like you wrote the book in it
or something. I think that you can do with a few pics to drive the message home a little bit,
but instead of that, this is wonderful blog. A great read.
I’ll certainly be back.